The Diary
by Emeliore
Summary: Remus Lupin finds something which will turn Harry and Snape's life upside-down. In the eighth chapter, two strong walls have been erected to prevent the connection between Harry and Snape from happening.
1. In which things had not gone unnoticed o...

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, alright, I don't own ANY of them 

**Rating: **Still nice enough for kiddies. PG-13 for language

**Pairing:** No, no Harry/Snape. But there will be yaoish inferences soon, but still not Harry/Snape.

**Notes:** My take on Severitus' challenge. 

The Diary 

By: Astral Fou-lu

Part One: _In which things had not gone unnoticed_ or _Remus Lupin's discovery___

_There it is. Godric's Hollow._

Remus Lupin walked over to the shambles that had once been Lily and Jame's home. The wreck of a house, without a rooftop, was covered in wild climbing vines with purple flowers. The whole place was, in fact, ideal for a secret tryst in the midnight. Remus smiled ruefully at the thought.

_Never dreamed to do it, though,_ he thought as he pushed away an errant brick with his foot. _No 'lover'._

Sunlight beat unmercifully against his back, on which he had, foolishly, put a black-colored cloak, which uncomfortably absorbed light, and at the same time, heat. Remus wiped his forehead with his sleeve as he looked at a piece of parchment he had recovered from his stints as a private detective for Dumbledore, It was Peter Pettigrew's contract as the Potter's secret-keeper. 

Remus Lupin had not known the Potter's residence whereabouts, it was only known to the secret-keeper, and only when he found Pettigrew's contract did he find out a few of details and particulars regarding Lily and James' marriage.

"I will not divulge Lily and James Potter's whereabouts, on Godric Hollow, to anybody, not even to those closely associated with me or to the couple."

Remus remembered that he howled with derisive laughter as he read that particular line on the contract. _Well, well, Wormtail, it is as if you are itching to tell your master their whereabouts, hmm? You didn't have to write the damn address of the contract—unless you wanted to make sure…_

Putting back the piece of evidence that will undoubtedly clear Sirius Black's name into his cloak pocket, Remus with both hands lifted a roofbeam that blocked the entrance and went inside the wreckage. Dust poured down on him as the piece of roof had broken from the ceiling, making him cough and his turning his formerly black cloak into shades of gray. Wheezing, his eyes watering, he futilely dusted off his cloak and whipping out his sharp 13-inch blade, started cutting away vines and chopping off errant plywood. "Shit!" he cursed as a long piece of wood somehow made its way onto Remus' foot. 

Too bad the Ministry will be able to detect me if I use my wand too much. Such is life. Wincing, he removed his shoe and rubbed his aching toes.

When he had finished, he resumed his check on the Potter's ruined residence.

Four hours later 

Remus sat cross-legged under the blooming cherry blossom tree, with his only find lying on his lap: Lily's diary. Seeing that the sun will set soon, he opened the diary's latch ("Forgive me, Lily," he whispered) and opened the bookmarked-page of the leather-bound volume. 

On the date of Lily and Jame's wedding, Lily wrote:

_I don't feel well, something bad is in the air—James doesn't seem to realize it, but I feel that something has gone wrong. I wasn't aware of the switch until this morning, when Peter showed up. James assured me its for the best, but…I had to admit that I haven't trusted Peter that much, even in the old days I was wary of Peter ever since I met him. I sense that something is quite amiss…_

Remus chuckled as he read the passage. It was so unlike of Lily to say, even in her diary, that she did not trust anyone, so it was quite predictable that she had crossed out that particular line.

Seeing that he should start from the entries written on the critical dates, he licked his forefinger and started flipping the pages backwards, when he glimpsed a name, _Severus_.

Wondering how Severus Snape's name could have ended up on Lily's diary (_Or on Lily's life either,_ Remus had thought,) he stopped at that page and started reading from there.

_Severus had not meant it, I'm sure. The news had shocked him, as I did when I found out myself. But what hurt me—the most… _(a splash of dried moisture has smudged the following word…tears?)_ was angry about it, he started throwing and breaking things and he terrified me, and I felt like he had as good as killed me. But he didn't even touch me. He kept on saying things like I ruined his plans, that my carelessness had ruined his chances. But I don't understand!_

His brows furrowed as he read the page. _Severus and Lily fighting? But why?_ Removing his eyes, and attention, from the diary for a moment, he recalled that a week before James and Lily were married Severus was rather…close to Lily. In fact, he had thought that they were an item, something that pissed Sirius off enough to tell Lily off, that 'James was better,' or that 'Severus is a bastard and would hurt her soon enough'. 

Remus read on.

_He told me that he himself did not know what to do about it, but he was willing to help and no, he was not inhumane enough to even suggest that I kill the _child (Remus was confused even further, though the warp of Lily's usually beautiful handwriting had given him a hint of Lily's disposition as she wrote the entry)_. But Severus was adamant in telling me that he will not marry me._

"What?" Remus exclaimed loudly. _Then…that means…_

_I hope I was terribly mistaken. But Severus had changed…he would not give our child his name…oh_

The entry ended there. _Presumably because Lily cannot bear it anymore and just dropped the quill to cry,_ Remus mused darkly. _Sirius was right, Severus is a damned bastard_…

One vague factor that he had learned that Lily's pregnancy to Harry had 'ruined' Severus plans. But the most disconcerting, most obvious of all was this: Lily had been impregnated by Severus, and NOT James.

He read on, and learned that Lily had persuaded James to marry her. Remus recalled that James had loved Lily enough to not to question her. "Stupid prat," he murmured to the air, meant for James. "You did not even have the slightest idea."

_I am sure that if the others find out, they will go and kill Severus outright. Most especially Sirius. They are capable of it, and Sirius himself almost succeeded in it once. If James and the others are misled enough to think that the child I'm carrying is Jame's child, then Severus' life, at least, will be saved. To think, by this James will save his life the second time._

_Even if Severus does not care for me anymore, at least he's still alive. I can't live if he's dead. I'm certain that I'm not exaggerating, Sirius Black is capable of things and I am aware of his feelings for me._

"Damned right Sirius is going to kill Severus once he finds out," Remus muttered as he closed the diary after he marked the page he had just read. The sky was darkening to purple, and he was certain that this was something that Dumbledore should be notified about. He certainly was not up to covering for Snape after what he had done to him that had cost him his job, and he was currently working for Dumbledore as a secret agent. And this was undoubtedly part of the information that Dumbledore had paid him to attain.

As he put back his things into his cloak one line in Lily's entry flashed through his mind: 

_He kept on saying things like I ruined his plans, that my carelessness had ruined his chances. But I don't understand!_

"I don't understand either," Remus whispered to the wind. "But I'm going to find out soon enough."

**A/N:** This would be the only chapter where Remus is the dominant character in the story. Not to worry, he will play an important role in the later parts, and Sirius will have a part (or a whole chapter!) to himself as well. Read and review, guys.


	2. In Which Severus Deals With the Forgotte...

**Disclaimer: **The disclaimer on the first chapter applies pretty much to everything else in the rest of the fic.

**Rating:** Still PG-13

**Pairing:** Still yet to come in the later parts

**Notes:** My take on Severitus' challenge, and I thank her (or him?) for giving me a reason to write once again.

The Diary 

By: Astral Fou-lu

**Part Two: _In Which Severus Deals With the Forgotten Truth_ or _Severus Snape's Anguish_**

Professor Severus Snape had every noise in the classroom quieted as soon as he closed the dungeons door behind him. He regarded the whole classroom with a languid but alert eye: everything was in place, no one absent, and Harry—

His expression darkened. There he was, The Boy Who Lived, frantically writing on his parchment. _Forgotten his homework, no doubt._ His lip curled slightly as he spied another chance to rub the Potter boy's fur the wrong way.

"May I take a look at what you are too occupied with to take notice of my arrival Mr. Potter?" Snape breathed down on Harry's neck, pleased that he could very well divine the small amount of fear in those green eyes.

Gingerly picking Harry's parchment, Snape tsk-ed as he examined it. "My, my. My appointed essay on vervain, express-style. What is my class, Potter? Some kind of a Muggle fast-food parallel?"

The Slytherins snickered. 

"No, sir," the quiet voice said. Harry.

"Oh, no doubt about it, no doubt," Severus sneered with a tone that gave away a grudge that had been brewing for so long. He promptly rolled the parchment, not handing it back to Harry. "I will give you a fast grade for this as well, Potter. An F."

Howling laughter from the Slytherin table.

Snape shushed them with a wave of his hand and took up his chalk and wrote down the ingredients for the day's work. He could somehow hear Hermione Granger's scathing remarks to Harry that he should have done his homework earlier.

The class was well immersed in their potions when a loud clang, a sound of a fallen cauldron, no doubt, snapped the Potions master from his relaxed scribbling on the blackboard enough to make him snap his chalk.

"What is it **now**?" he said tersely, not even bothering to look behind him as he reached for a longer piece of chalk, assuming that it was Longbottom again.

No answer.

With an exasperated sigh Snape turned around to see Longbottom's cauldron intact, and it was the Potter boy's cauldron that was on the floor, rolling on its side and its contents spilled all over.

"Explain, Potter," was all Snape said. Inside, he was extremely incensed that six years of teaching him potions had not instilled in him one ounce of a sense of precaution. 

_But then, that should the same for Longbottom too_.

Green eyes held his gaze steadily as Potter answered, "Malfoy had intentionally pushed it while I wasn't looking, Professor," 

Those infuriatingly green eyes. It made Snape slightly sick, seeing those eyes take on a hard gaze totally unlike Lily Evan's gentle and naïve disposition.

The mindless and overly-gentle kindness that promptly made him want to belch. Lily had no backbone, and to see her green eyes had somehow warped his absurd vision of Lily Evans-Potter being able to hold herself.

"As always, putting the blame on others. You could do better, Potter," he said, the words rolling from his tongue effortlessly. _Merlin, the way the students act predictably that my responses are just as quick,_ he thought bitterly. He knew that Potter was saying the truth (he disliked Draco Malfoy but his current position had not given him the liberties to grill the spoiled prat), but he wanted…

Wanted to see the anguish from those green eyes. Lily-green eyes. 

"Five points from Gryffindor for creating such a ruckus, Potter. And another two for blaming others. You could have just **guarded** your work so that nobody could tamper with it," Snape drawled, but he looked pointedly at Draco and his voice hardened as he said the last phrase.

He dared not deduct points from Slytherin, so as not to give a reason for his loyalty to be questioned.

"You will serve detention this weekend, Potter. At night."

In Snape's Dungeon Quarters 

Grading papers was enough to lull anyone to sleep, and Professor Severus Snape could attest to that. He never needed a dreamless sleep potion ever since he took on the profession.

Finally writing down his last F for the day with a flourish, Severus rubbed his eyes and started to fix his things on his table, when a particularly large tawny owl tried to squeeze in the overhead opening, which served as a window in his dungeon quarters.

_A letter? At night?_ Severus wondered as he stepped on a nearby table and reaching up, helped the owl pull herself down into the dungeon quarters. Grateful, the owl gave an affectionate peck on Severus' nose (which made him grimace) as he descended from the table. 

After giving the owl a treat grudgingly, he settled down on his table and took the letter tied to her wrist.

_Severus, I know something about your past which has great importance to both you and Harry Potter. I've already met with Albus Dumbledore about this, but he decided that I best talk to you instead of him._

_Send a response regarding when you are available and where you are going to meet with me. The owl will deliver your response._

_Remus Lupin_

It took approximately a whole minute for Severus to fully absorb the implications in the short letter.

So short, and yet it said so _much_.

Severus' head snapped to the nearby table, where the owl was indeed waiting for his response. But no, that was not what was agitating him. Something made him freeze in fearful anticipation, and _fear_ wasn't even the right word for it. Horrified was more like it.

What could it be that Remus Lupin knew? About the Order of the Phoenix? But no—it had been clearly stated in the letter that it was about the **past**. 

Impossible.

"Impossible!" Severus Snape spat out, causing the owl to ruffle, holding his urge to break things and instead taking it out by running a hand savagely through his hair. "It's already buried! The only other person who knew about it is DEAD!"

_No, no, Severus. He could be meaning something else. Something else. Anything but that, anything…_Gritting his teeth and grinning in a deranged manner, he buried his face in his hands and laughed softly (still in a deranged manner), trying to convince himself that.

The owl sensed his agitation and flew over to his side and cooed, reminding Severus that he had yet to write his response to the letter. Collecting about his wits and posture, he opened his drawer and took out a quill and blank parchment.

Severus knew he cannot sleep with a threat much more terrible than Cruciatus Curse looming over him.

_Meet me tonight at the Shrieking Shack._

_Severus Snape_

The Shrieking Shack. Just in case there would be some shrieking to be dealt with.

Midnight, In The Shrieking Shack 

"Good evening, Severus," Remus greeted him as he arrived, voice grave. Severus had waited for an hour, sitting on the chewed-out bed with its torn canopy and some occasional bared springs. Remus' voice, Severus noted, was devoid of its usual friendly lilt.

"What do you know, Lupin?"

As a response Remus Lupin whipped out from the depths of his robes a small but thick leather-bound book.

"I know everything that is written in here."

"You did not answer my question, Lupin." Severus' tone gave no indication of the disturbed and tensed state he was in.

"To be frank, Severus, I just happened on the fact that you are Harry's father."

Silence.

Snape broke it. "And I expect you to tell me that I am an evil bastard, a maniac to have ever sullied Lily's innocence. And much more."

"Well, what do expect me to say?" Remus spat out, throwing Lily's diary to Snape, hitting the latter squarely on the chest that it made Severus flinch in pain. "What do you expect me to say to an—an _asshole_ who deserted a woman whom he had impregnated, a woman who had loved him so much?"

Snape laughed at that, his eyes showing no mirth but hardness at the irony of it all.

"You don't even know the half of it, Lupin," was all he could say for the moment.

"Correction: I bloody well know the _other_half of the situation, Snape. Lily's half. In her diary."

"Then you do not know much."

"The hell I don't know much!" Remus grabbed a handful of Snape's black cloak. "Lily _married_ James so that Sirius would not suspect anything and **save your hide**!"

Snape met Remus' eyes and stared back, his gaze cold enough to lower the temperature by two or three notches. "Really."

It got him a punch on the face which sent Severus to the other end of the bed.

"Damn you Severus. Lily saved you, James didn't even know he saved you for the second time, and from Sirius again no doubt, and all you can say is REALLY?!"

Severus calmly rubbed his aching jaw, silence screaming out the tension in the darkend and grotesquely tattered and torn room.

"Ask me whom I loved then, Lupin."

The absurdity of the command confused the werewolf for the moment.

"Ask me whom I loved _then_, Lupin," Snape asked again, impatience coloring his tone

The werewolf growled, getting annoyed by so strange a request. "Okay then. Who?"

Severus Snape sighed audibly. "James Potter."

**A/N:** Bet you didn't see that coming, huh? Well, sorry if there wasn't much of Harry in this chapter, I just made it a point to focus on one character per chapter, to make it more solid. Next chapter would be Harry's turn, though I have a feeling that most of you people have a hankering for more Snape ^_^. Read and review, guys!


	3. In Which Harry Learns That There Is Some...

**Disclaimer: **The disclaimer on the first chapter applies pretty much to everything else in the rest of the fic.

**Rating:** Still PG-13.

**Pairing:** Now you know. Severus/James, though James is woefully dead and gone.

**Notes:** I'm inserting my original character here, who have made her cameos in all my other HP fics. Don't worry if you are confused with her (she seems to have a deep role, though it would not be explained in this fic), I'll write a fic concerning her soon enough.

The Diary 

By: Astral Fou-lu

**Part Three: _In Which Harry Learns That There Is Something Amiss _or_ An Overheard Conversation_**

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The Gryffindor Common Room. By the table Harry lazily twirled his quill, his chin on his elbow, wishing that Snape had made him serve detention that night. He certainly wouldn't have minded something to do (even detention), and having detention in the weekend certainly cut his time for rest. The week was arduous for him and the rest, what with nearing the finals, and the students were either cramming or sleeping with fatigue.

 Ron was snoozing beside him, obviously bored with his History of Magic texts. His ink pot was accidentally swiped by Ron's arm, splattering on Hermione's finished three-foot assignment on Astronomy.

"Oh, Ron!" Hermione whimpered. "Look what you've done!" Teeth gritting, she whapped Ron's head with her wand. "Why don't you continue your sleep in your room? I'm _busy_ here dealing with my assignment and _you_ Weasley, have ruined it with your—"

"Shush, will you, 'Mione?" Ron groaned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "It's half-day tomorrow. You probably won't be needing to hand it over until next week."

"That's not the point!" Hermione screeched. "You ruined my work!" she lifted the casualty, the parchment partially covered with a patch of black not unlike a continent.

"So?" Ron drawled tastelessly. "It looks like the continent of Europe. See?" he ran his fingers on the parchment, tracing the outline of the ink patch. "There in the north, you can just add Mongolia—"

Ron was stopped by Hermione's enraged slap in his face. Before he had anytime to react, Hermione already stomped off to the girl's dormitory. He rubbed a hand to the red hand mark on his face when Harry decided to put his two Knuts in.

"You could have said sorry, Ron," he said, feeling sorry for Hermione but not feeling up to telling Ron off about it. "I mean, you did do something wrong."

"I was just joking, I mean—" Ron faltered, shades of realization of what he did slowly showing in his face. Then he shrugged. "Oh well. I'll fix it up with her tomorrow."

Harry had a feeling that either Ron was too dense, or there was something fraying with his brain.

"You know, Hermione looks pretty when she's angry, d'you reckon?"

That certainly affirmed Harry's suspicions. 

"Ron, she just slapped you…?" Harry rolled his eyes.

Ron just smiled and shook his head. "Oh well," he just mumbled. 

Minutes of companionable silence passed when Ron mentioned, "You know, I kinda miss Snuffles," he said, tone pensive. "I know, he's your uncle but—well, from what I've heard from him, he just might know lots about some stuff."

Harry snorted. "Well, what stuff?"

"You're so smart, you should have guessed by now," Ron impishly said. "Why don't you owl him, Harry? He certainly wouldn't mind receiving a letter about everyday things, would he?"

Harry shook his head. "No. I think he would be lots pleased," he smiled. "I can put in a word for you. Maybe I'll write 'Ron has a problem with a particular girl. Can you help him?' "

"You wouldn't." Ron threatened him with the ink pot. 

Howling with laughter, Harry ducked and shouted, half-panting, "Well you asked for it!"

That night would be the last night where Harry would be in a good mood for the rest of the term.

Remus Lupin descended from the Owlery, having delivered a letter for Dumbledore for the rest of the Order of the Phoenix members. That was just a sundry task, something unrelated to the current issue regarding Harry and Severus Snape. Lupin dismissed it as a way of Dumbledore's to buy time to himself to think about the situation.

He made his way through the corridors, confident enough that no students would see him roaming around, as they were occupied in their classes, unless—

"Professor Lupin," a voice called out behind him. 

Unless they were out being truant.

But it was the Head Girl, a Slytherin named Zinfandel Highwind. Remus smiled and beckoned for her. "Zinfandel, how are you?"

The girl smiled back and approached him, but still reserved enough not to show too much affection, which she certainly felt for the kind but firm professor. "Fine. Professor Severus is fine too. Snarky, biting, but nothing out of the ordinary. The Order of the Phoenix members here in Hogwarts are getting too lax though, because they think everything's going as they planned," her nose crinkled in distaste. "I don't like that. Tom Riddle would catch them unawares, he would. He's a Slytherin, and I bet that he thinks just like I do."

Remus smiled, never ceasing to be amused at the way the precocious young member of the Order refers to Voldemort by his real name. "If Voldemort does catch them unaware, then I myself bet that he would be a bit smug about it and it will be _your_ turn to catch him by surprise."

The Slytherin's eyes flashed with pleasure, green-gold glints sparkling. "That's why I'm here. Potter-boy would be too _Gryffindor_ enough for his own good. You know," Zinfandel shrugged, "he may one day decide that he would be better off dying as a sacrifice. But that's stupid. He's better off, and we as well, if he is alive."

"How is your apprenticeship under Severus faring, if I may ask?" Remus inquired, still surprised that the girl chose Snape to be her Master at Dueling. He sensed that there maybe something more running under the currents, but he brushed it off as being too suspicious and biased against Slytherin character.

"'S okay, I guess," Zinfandel off-handedly replied. "We get to pour our frustrations for the day at each other, and we get to have an excuse for yelling and breaking things about."

Remus' eyebrows shot up. "It comes to that?"

"Well…yeah." Zinfandel grinned sheepishly. "I like to kick the living daylights outta him too. It's a great privilege."

Remus smiled faintly. No doubt their sparring would heat up a few degrees with Severus dealing with his situation with Harry. They would have to hold their sparring matches in the Shrieking Shack…Remus could just imagine how much frustration and anger Severus had to let out. He fervently wished that Zinfandel would be enough to hold against Severus' predictably violent flow of anger.

"There's something wrong, is there." Zinfandel said, a statement and not a question.

"Nothing much, really."

"Bugger that," Zinfandel sniped pointedly. "If your Order decides to close me off from some information just because I'm a bloody Slytherin (_Literally_, Remus thought), then you've got another one coming."

"No, no," Remus spoke up, raising his hands to appeal to the young Slytherin heir. "It has to do with the—er, personal issue regarding Professor Snape and Harry Potter."

The Slytherin's eyes gleamed. "Really now," she murmured vaguely. "Should have come around earlier though. Professor Severus really has heart made of stone not to address the issue in all the six years Harry's been here. But then—" she was broken off by Remus' expression of surprise.

"How do you…?" Remus did not even bother to hide his shock. "From what I've learned, no one other than the persons concerned knew about…"

Zinfandel promptly shut him up with a gentle and chaste finger across his lips. "Slytherins have a way…and not to mention I see _through_ the disguise."

"Wha-what?" Remus stammered, obviously taken aback.

Harry stole away from his Herbology class (_Only for a few minutes_, Harry promised himself) to deliver his letter to his godfather, Sirius. It was quite boring, actually, and Harry decided that a few minutes of walk would be just the thing to wake him up. _Sirius would have a field day reading this letter,_ Harry thought, bemused. _It would be like nothing wrong's happening and Voldemort does not exist. Like all we ever worry about are love problems and academics. I hope it would turn to that._

Stalking through the abandoned corridors towards the Owlery, not making a noise, until he heard two people talking just beyond the bend…

"It's a strong form of glamour," a slightly familiar female voice said, almost inaudible. Zinfandel Highwind, the Head Girl. _No, you git,_ the voice inside him corrected. _Zinfandel _Slytherin_. You have got to look out for her, no wonder Dumbledore still hasn't decided to ask her to join the Order._

"That's because its probable she won't join anyway," he whispered to himself. Along the years he had developed the curious habit of talking to himself, learning that besides Ron, Hermione, Sirius and Dumbledore, along with the rest of the Order of the Phoenix, he had virtually no other people to trust with his thoughts.

Harry tuned in his ears to the conversation. This could be vital, and the Head Girl might deduct points…

"I wonder why it has not occurred to me that how come Harry looked a lot like James."

_Professor Lupin!_ Harry thought with elation. _I wonder why he's here?_

_More importantly, why did he question how come you look like your father,_ the voice inside him viciously told him. _Pay attention!_

Harry quieted and steeled himself, trying not to think as he listened.

"Mm. Very perceptive of you, Professor Lupin. Your enhanced senses have failed you."

"You're starting to act like Severus. He's starting to grow on you."

Laughter.

Harry edged further towards the bend, to clearly hear the dialogue. Luckily he had chanced upon a suit of armor and ducked behind it.

"—impressed that the glamour had lasted, even grew with him, over the years. Strong Slytherin magic, used for deception of course. I have a strong obvious guess that Professor Severus has had a hand in that," Zinfandel said, in her usual encyclopedia sort-of manner. Harry did not know which was worse, a simpering and arrogant Malfoy or a knowledgeable, intelligent _and_ arrogant Zinfandel Slytherin. _More like Hermione gone bad_, Harry thought.

"I confronted Severus about it, but…he won't even take Lily's diary."

_Lily?_ Harry started. _Mother?_

"Take it to Harry then," Zinfandel said, finality in her tone. "We all know Professor Severus has difficulty in dealing with emotions and grudges."

Harry smiled at that. He could never forget how Snape had acted the night Sirius and Buckbeak had escaped…

"I know it would be quite an unlikely and uncomfortable time for him to deal with this, but…Tom Riddle would certainly take advantage of it. I won't even try to imagine how he would use it. Professor Severus would probably die mortified. I say you tell him," Zinfandel's voice started to near Harry's direction. She was starting to walk out to the outer corridors—she would certainly catch him…Harry gulped.

"It would be terrible, yes." Remus' voice was nearing him as well. _Oh no,_ Harry moaned inwardly. _They'd catch me if I don't get away soon enough._

Starting to run out to the outer corridors before ther see him, his foot got caught at the suit of armors spear and he fell down, with a yelp.

"Who's there?!" Lupin shouted. Then his expression of alertness quickly changed into slight apprehension as he saw Harry sprawled on the ground. "Harry—" he croaked. "What are you doing here?"

"Delivering a letter for…er…" Harry stuttered, taking out his letter for Sirius from his pocket and showing it to Lupin and the poker-faced Zinfandel.

"Crawling on the floor?" Zinfandel drawled. "Honestly, Potter, you never cease to amaze me."

Harry said nothing. Then, against his better judgment, he blurted out, "What's wrong with me looking like my father?" He dusted himself off as he stood up.

"Y-You heard?" Lupin asked, pale-faced, He wasn't ready yet. Zinfandel was unreadable, though.

"You always turn up at the right moments, no? Fortuna must have been borne with you," Zinfandel sighed. "I know you should be in your class, Potter. Go run along and send your letter, I won't deduct points off you. You're probably doing something _important_," she said the last word with slight distaste. 

The pair started to leave Harry to his own when Lupin turned around. "Harry, why don't you meet me down at Hagrid's later? After your classes."

Harry nodded. He should have been happy but—there was certainly something wrong…

Clutching his letter for Sirius, he also rummaged through his cloak for his quill. No doubt he has going to add some lines on the letter.

_Just in case._

Harry turned up at Hagrid's hut fifteen minutes late. He had to deal with Malfoy after some stupid remarks on his performance in Potions and had to quiet him with a good, subtle hex. _He will certainly have a jolly time saying the reverse of the things he means to say_, Harry thought with glee. 

He remembered Draco blurting out, after Harry had cast the spell, "Harry, you wonderful, handsome prince! I love you!" He'll never forget it. Never. He was certain that it outclassed Moody's (no, Crouch) transfiguration of Malfoy into a ferret.

Pushing the door in after he had patted Fang's head, he was greeted by darkness. "Hello? Hagrid? Professor Lupin? Hello?"

"Hello, Harry," Lupin's voice carried out from behind him. Harry jumped and turned around.

""Sir," he gasped. "Don't ever do that again, please…"

"I'm certain that that would not be the only thing that will surprise you this afternoon," Lupin said curtly, his jovial disposition gone. "Come in, Hagrid had given us sometime for ourselves here. Let's not waste it."

Harry stepped aside to let Lupin in and went in himself. Lupin casually whispered "Lumos" and set light to the meager space, which was Harry's hut.

"Sit, Harry," Lupin beckoned at the chairs by the small, rickety dinner table. Harry promptly complied.

Lupin fished out a thick leather-bound book. "I think you should have this."

Harry tentatively took the book and inspected it with care. "What is this?" he asked as he turned over the book, whose outer binding was decorated with white paisley patterns. The book was closed by and unlocked latch. 

"Lily's—your mother's, rather—diary."

"I heard the Slytherin Heir mention earlier to hand this to me."

"That certain Sytherin Heir has a name, you know."

"Okay, Zinfandel." Harry said dismissively. "What about this?"

Remus Lupin sighed and regarded Harry with exasperation. ("I have a feeling he would be as dense as his father, Lupin thought) "Just read it. Excuse me, I have things to settle with Dumbledore."

Remus Lupin left Harry alone, in the dark, with the diary in his lap.

**A/N: **Yeah, yeah, it was a bit slow, but I will get to the issue about Severus and James in the next. I missed Sev in this chapter…but hey. R and R guys! Please!


	4. In which Severus Deals With His Sentimen...

Disclaimer: Ditto 

**Rating: **PG-13 for language

**Pairing:** The only pairing in this fic has the other half dead. Sorry you guys.

**Notes:** Angst galore. 

The Diary 

By: Astral Fou-lu

Part Four: _In which Severus Deals With His Sentiments _or_ Love's Underlying Currents___

"If you add wisteria to a solution of vervain and powdered unicorn horn and heat it just as so, it will turn purple and will be ready for infusion with the mandrake solution, and thus negate the fainting spell side-effect the mandrake solution will otherwise have," Severus droned on as he roamed through every rows, checking the student's work and occasionally sniped at a student for every wrong color in the solution. "Tsk. Miss Patil, you obviously have a _strong_ liking for the color pink, don't you? Pity it doesn't go well with the classroom _and_ the lesson. Two points from Gryffindor."

Parvati turned pink and frantically added a pinch of vervain, and in her nervousness accidentally poured a tablespoonful of the dried herb. The potion was promptly ruined.

"Oh, no!" she cried, tears springing up the corners of her eyes.

"You'll never pass your potions if you continue your dismal performance, Miss Patil," Snape told the piteous girl brusquely. "Your miserable wasting of potent ingredients takes off five points from Gryffindor. Go fetch another two tablespoons each of the ingredients, and _this_ time try not to mess up with doing so, or your house will find yourself with negative points."

Parvati Patil pretended not to hear, and sniffling, went to the cupboards and retrieved the necessary ingredients.

Severus wrapped his arms about him and resumed his checking of every student's cauldron, watching with a hawk's eye for any mishandling and mischief (which was very rare, and only happened in the seventh-year Gryffindor-Slytherin class with the Weasley twins against the Slytherin duelist Zinfandel). His eyes turned to Harry's cauldron, and found that it was satisfactory by far. He was going to turn to Neville Longbottom's cauldron when he noticed Harry's eyes were on him.

He returned the stare, inwardly flinching with the thought of Lily Evans-Potter's eyes throwing daggers at his direction. Realizing that Harry Potter was not one to let himself be beaten in a staring contest, it was he who broke the tension.

"What is wrong with my countenance to which I certainly owe the honor of your impartial stare?" he said, voice cold.

"I was actually waiting for you to find some imaginary wrongs in my potion and quite readying myself for some deduction of points and further detentions," Harry retorted, returning the same tone.

Hemione Granger, a seat apart from Potter, hissed in shock. "Harry! What are you doing?!" 

Stunned as the curly haired girl, Snape could not say anything for a few moments. _He knows. Damn the werewolf, he knows. Remus Lupin already told him._

"And to which do I owe the honor of causing you to openly insult me?"

"I didn't insult you. I was merely stating a fact." If Harry Potter was trying to imitate Professor Severus Snape's trademark cold tongue-lashing, he didn't have to try hard. "And you did ask." Ron Weasley surreptiously but quite frantically nudged the Potter boy's ribs, Snape noted. _But he is not to be daunted_.

Hands clenched, Snape said in a very soft voice which betrayed none of the underlying currents beneath his tone, "Ten points for affronting a teacher, Potter. And an unprovoked one, at that." His eyes, if they ever had, lost all its sheen and there remained only unfathomable depths that clued one of what the Potions master must have felt for the moment: emptiness which gave way to pure, quiet rage.

"What you have done to me is worth thousands of unprovoked attacks, _sir_. You know what I mean." Harry's tone was steely.

Collective gasps from both the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables. Even Draco Malfoy stopped snickering and leaned in intently to absorb the student-teacher clash.

But Snape was not one to reveal his sentiments for the moment. Not even in a fraction of a second. "You just have earned a whole weekend afternoon of detention, Potter."

"All the more better for us to talk!" Harry cried recklessly. 

For once a hint of panic flashed through Snape's eyes. "You better not try…"

"Your son deserves better, Professor Snape. Even if your son is _me_!"

Collective whispering and murmuring could be heard over the silent but strong tension all over the classroom. The acoustics helped in adding to Snape's anxiety. For all the six years in which he had taught the boy, all he got were passing gripes and occasional sniping but this…

This time Snape gaped at him. _Merlin_…

Harry Potter is _furious_. And rightly so.

For once Professor Severus Snape felt, even a little, fear against the Boy Who Lived.

Severus banged the door of the Shrieking Shack behind him. "LUPIN!" he bellowed, charging to the sole bedroom where he usually found the werewolf lounging as he waited for him. "Show yourself!"

"And why should I hide from you, Severus?" The werewolf appeared from the shadows, at the far end of the room, like a boggart. "I did agree to meet you here," he remarked drily. The events have evidently stripped Remus Lupin of his tendencies to be gentle around Severus.

"Why did you tell the boy, Lupin?" Severus advanced towards him and grabbed a fistful of Remus' shirt. "It was already buried long ago! It was **unnecessary!**"

Remus Lupin was not intimidated. Returning a steely gaze to the Potions master's deep eyes he shook off his hand. "Harry deserves to know. Merlin knows he had suffered much."

"Then you **imbecile**! You're making him suffer more with what you did you fool!"

Severus pushed Remus away, swiping him onto the bed. Lupin landed with a _whoomph_. 

"He's suffering more in the Dursley household! They beat him there!"

"I don't care."

"Damned it that you don't care!" Remus recovered and, standing up, threw himself to Severus and pinned the taller man down to the floor, fist hitting the Professor hard in the chest and Remus was rewarded with hacking from the other man. "I don't know what Lily saw in you. And I don't want to know what James saw in you in the first place!"

_Autumn. They were sitting by the tree, James perched on a moderately high branch and him sitting on the roots of the willow._

_James grinned down at him. "You're special, don't you know that, Severus? And all this time we thought…"_

_"_You_ thought, rather," Severus in his Quidditch robes and Slytherin scarf scowled, though he knew that James knew that he was only mocking. "All of you never even tried."_

_"Yeah. And I'm regretting all the past years that have been wasted on not trying to know you," James sighed, pelting Severus with an armful of dried leaves he grabbed from the nearby branch. "I realized that I love you, Severus Snape."_

_Severus only snorted as he brushed off dry, beautifully orange leaves. "You can't even explain to me why feel that way, James."_

_"You can't explain love, Sev."_

_"And the fact that you have the whole school groveling for your attention…"_

_Looking up, he saw that James smiled slightly at that. "In the end, Severus, we are all alone."_

_James, graceful as a cat, leaped down from the branch he was sitting on and landed promptly on Severus' lap._

_"Ow!" Severus winced at the sudden weight._

_Laughing, James kissed Severus lightly on the cheek, and whispered, "Let me kiss the pain away, Sev. Please let me."_

_Severus did not fight back._

_In the end, they were all alone, but at least, both him and James Potter were alone _together_._

"He was alone, Lupin." Severus breathed as the memory swiftly left him. "He was alone, and I understood his pain."

"Yeah, right," Lupin snorted, but even he did not look so convinced of himself. He let go of Severus and rolled over, sitting cross-legged on the floor. "Since acting ten years minus our age won't get us anywhere, we could just calm down and you explain how come you love James but made Lily pregnant."

"Why should I."

Lupin breathed deeply, obviously trying to suppress his temper. "Because if you don't, I will bloody well wage a war on you for harming Lily and also for deceiving James that Harry was his son."

Snape wanted to say, _Well would it be better if he knew the truth?_ but decided against it. "Very well then." He sat up as well, tucking his kness beneath him. They both looked for all the world like two schoolboys in a slumber party, only this time with _older_ participants and a much dismal room to slumber in.

Remus waited. "Well?"

"As I have said, Lupin, we were both alone." Severus started. "James only got to know me intimately when he tried to make amends for what Sirius Black had done to me," Snape stared at Lupin pointedly as he said that. Lupin flinched.

"I discovered that despite his popularity, and his friends (you included, Lupin), he was alone. Black was too preoccupied in his own popularity and with women. Pettigrew was only a whimpering idiot who sucked up to stronger people, and James knew that. And you, Lupin,"

"What about me?" Remus asked warily.

"You were too anxious about your lycanthropy to worry about your friend." Snape replied matter-of-factly.

Remus slapped his hand to the floor, hard. "That's unfair, Snape! I was alone as well!"

"That's how James had felt, Remus, and its not for me to rectify. Not that any effort will do good…" Severus trailed off, lost in thought.

"I'm sorry that it has to come to this, Sev," James said. "I can't pretend anymore. I-I really think that this relationship is getting nowhere, Sev. And besides, think of what will happen to us if they found out. Of what will happen to you."

"You don't mean it, James!" Severus angrily retorted. "You just want a way out! Hah! 'Slytherin will make my life hell if they discovered that I was dating a bloody Gryffindor'. What an excuse."

James looked desperate. "But it's true! Malfoy is getting suspicious of us," James looked around the almost-deserted library to make certain that no one would hear their heated conversation. "Sirius is asking a lot of questions, too."

"Who cares about damned Black and Malfoy?" Severus, in anger, broke his quill in his grasp. "You never cared for them before!"

"I-I…" James faltered.

"I'm not blind, James. I know about you and Lily bloody Evans!" Severus snapped. "You think you can just get away with leading me on and leaving me with some doe-eyed chit?"

"Don't talk about Lily like that!" James barked. "She's decent!"

The librarian shot the two a murderous look.

Severus said, in a softer but still harder tone, "And I'm not," he suggested. "Is that what you're saying?"

"You're not stupid enough to think that, Severus," James snapped. "I just don't want to get us into trouble, this is for the best!"

Severus bit his lip. "But you love her, don't you."

James did not answer.

"You love her, don't you? Answer me!" Severus demanded.

"Boys, will you quiet down? Can you continue your love-squabbles in the corridors and not here?!" the librarian shouted sharply. 

James paid the librarian one look and turned back to Severus. 

"Yes, Severus. I don't want to lie, but I do…"

"It hurt, Lupin. I don't need to say that." Severus said, quietly.

Remus Lupin dared not ask or interrupt him in anyway. But the unspoken question both know to them was Why Lily?

"You want to know why and how Lily got pregnant by me?" Severus laughed mirthlessly and shook his head. "The irony of it was that somehow she was more attracted to me than James. She frequently saw me talking with James, and that's how, I think, she got to know me better."

Severus stopped there.

"That doesn't explain everything, Snape," Lupin said, voice betraying his impatience to know everything. "How did Lily—"

"I thought you were more intelligent than that, Lupin," Snape sneered, but without a grin. "Let me put it delicately: As revenge, I took advantage of Lily's liking of me and led her on. The pseudo-relationship we had had unfortunately borne fruit. Now, are you satisfied?"

Remus thinned his lips. "Lily is not a weapon of revenge, Severus. You just played with her and you know it!"

Snape calmly replied, "Not before James played with me."

"Then why don't you explain that to Harry!" Remus stood up suddenly, towering over Snape's probe, sitting form. "You owe him that much, you're his father!"

Snape bristled, irritated, and stood up. "No, **you** explain to Harry." He poked a finger on Lupin's chest. "He should not have been involved with this shit until you have inanely told him about this!"

"You're worse than the Dursleys," Remus muttered.

In frustration, Snape covered his face and breathed deeply. "I. Do. Not. Hit. The. Child. LIKE THEY DO! HOW DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO THEM?!"

"BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE POWER TO STOP IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN! YOU'RE WORSE BY DENYING HIM SHELTER!" Remus roared back, shoving him hard.

Severus pushed the offending hand away. "If you're that caring about the child, why don't **you** take him home?"

"Because you're his father, Severus. Merlin knows he needs a father." Remus said those words quietly, successfully insinuating it into Snape's train of thought.

Severus laughed scornfully. Me? Father? Do I act like a father to you? Would Harry even accept me as a father?"

Remus Lupin had no answer to that.

A shape had magically appeared a few yards away from them, leaning by the doorframe. Harry Potter had removed his invisibility cloak, tears running through his face.

"You never even tried."

**A/N:** Whew! That was fast! (Sighs) Holy Week really does give me helluva lot of time to write. Oh well. Harry's detention with Snape will be in the next chapter so…who knows what may come? Read and review as usual, you guys! ^_^


	5. In Which Emotions Fly High or Fainting a...

**Disclaimer: **The disclaimer on the first chapter applies pretty much to everything else in the rest of the fic.

**Rating:** Still PG-13, and it's all due to the language.

**Pairing:** Pity the only pairing. And no, Harry won't even _try_ to compensate for the dead other half!

The Diary 

By: Astral Fou-lu

**Part Five: _In Which Emotions Fly High _or_ Fainting and Disarming Spells_**

**__**

"Harry," Remus breathed. "You finally decided to show up."

Harry wiped his cheek absently with his Invisibility Cloak. "Why should I? I can't afford to look like a clueless idiot while I know…"

He looked up at the man whom he had loathed for all the six years of his existence in Hogwarts. Snape stood, clothes disheveled, panting, muscles tense. _Weak as any human should be._

_He's not terrifying anymore._ Harry leveled his gaze to Snape's. _He disgusts me_.

"He's right, Professor Lupin," Harry whispered, never taking away his eyes from Snape's. "I shouldn't have been involved with this _shit_ if not only for you telling me about this. If it weren't for the diary." He paused, handing the diary back to Lupin. "I don't need this anymore."

"Why is he here, Lupin?" Severus asked, tone scathing. "We never agreed for a third party!"

"We never did, Severus, He came on his own volition," Remus calmly stated, tucking in the diary into the folds of his robe. 

"Then who told him about this meeting then?" accused Severus, throwing Remus a dark look. "How did—"

"Oh, who the _fuck_ cares why I'm here?" Harry snarled. "It's my fucking life you're talking about!" 

As far as anyone was concerned, Harry didn't look as if he cared if he would be expelled to Hogwarts, or at anything, for that matter. He was burning.

"Watch your tongue, boy!" Severus snapped, eyes flashing. "You don't—"

"Damn right I don't! I DON'T CARE! All I care about is I'm disgusted with _myself!_"

That shut Snape up.

Lupin knew that everything had gone too far enough. He reached out and laid a hand on the trembling boy. "Harry," he said, soothingly, "You should go back to your dormitory. Others might find out."

"Damn right they will," growled Severus.

"Shut up," snapped Lupin. Then, to Harry, "Please. Things won't get better if you stay here, Harry. Best if you go back. I'll accompany you."

In the end it was Snape who turned back and started to leave the room. But before he went through the door, he turned back to the pair, to Harry in particular.

"You still have your detention with me tomorrow, two o' clock sharp _Potter_."

With that, he left the werewolf and student alone.

As if on cue, Harry reached out for Remus and threw his arms around him, sobbing on the older man's shirt. "Oh, shit. _Shit_. Why does everything have to mess up for me? Why?"

Lupin could do nothing but stroke Harry's hair soothingly and return the embrace. "Nobody's fault, Harry. Isn't Severus' fault, either. He was brokenhearted by that time, and young and stupid as well," Lupin's tone hardened at the last phrase. "It's nobody's fault for falling in love…"

"I don't even care about who's to blame, Professor Lupin. I'm just sickened by everything—I'm disgusted with Snape, I'm disgusted with Dad—I mean, oh shit—I  don't even know how to call him anymore…" With that Harry broke down again, raining a torrent of tears onto Lupin's pristine white t-shirt.

Lupin remained silent, leading Harry outside the Shrieking Shack and into the Gryffindor Tower. No words could suffice for Harry's suffering.

_And this boy's even got Voldemort on his heels._

_Knock, knock_.

"Come in," growled Snape, startled from his labels and empty jars. His marking quill dropped from his hand, splattering some labels with stray ink. No doubt, Professor Severus Snape's usually deft hand was _trembling_.

Harry went in, walking towards Snape's working table, throwing him a dark look.

A thought flashed in Severus' mind that _Somehow, holding detention with him might be a mistake_…

As Harry's stride stopped a few meters away from his position, Severus cleared his throat and beckoned towards the twenty small-size cauldrons piled on a table by the left side of the classroom. Farthest from the place where Snape would his part throughout the day as well.

Harry's eyebrow shot up as he looked at the pitiful heap of cauldrons. "A lighter load than you usually would deal me with," he commented, pseudo-casually.

Snape seethed inside. _Merlin, the boy knows how to throw every single thing at me. Can't he be just happy that he can do a simple cleaning spell and be done with it in ten minute's time? Must he notice bloody damn _everything_?!_

"Shut up and get to work, Potter," Snape said coldly. "Not everyone has time to tarry with,"

To Snape's immense relief the boy turned back, walked towards the pile of small pewter cauldrons and set to work.

Snape had written _Z_ on a label when he heard a loud clang on Harry's working table, but nothing alarming. His eyes flew to the boy, who from earlier detentions learned (or was used) not to use magic in his detentions, especially cleaning. Harry bent over one cauldron, his left hand supporting the apparatus and his right hand scrubbing the pewter with a roughing cloth. Sweat trickled from the boy's forehead as he worked, occasionally wiping his brow with his right arm. Hair stuck on the surface of his glasses, damp, and at that point Harry ran a hand up his hair and scrubbed again.

Snape could not believe how much Harry looked like James Potter. _Damn, I must have overdone it..._

_Let me take a look at the boy, Lily," Severus said, reaching for the infant in Lily's arms. The boy cooed and smiled, as if sensing his blood kinship with Severus. He paid no heed to the infant's affectionate gestures though, much to Lily's dismay._

_"It will be easy, Lily, don't worry," Severus said, carrying the infant in his arms as he inspected him. The boy was green-eyed. "Glamour would take care of it."_

_"What do you mean? Lily whispered, startled. "Glamour?"_

_Severus rolled his eyes and sighed in annoyance, looking down at Lily as if she was a 'dunderhead'. "You want James to find out that the boy looks more like a certain greasy-haired git more than the child looks like him?"_

_Lily was tight-lipped. "No, of course not," she replied curtly._

"Then give me a lock of James' hair by sundown," Severus handed back the baby to Lily. "We're going to Knockturn Alley."

Severus never knew how much Lily wanted the child's appearance to remain as is.

Harry's brows furrowed as he scoured at a stubborn spot, biting his lip. Severus took leave of his label-writing for the moment, and studied Harry closely. The boy licked his lips and Severus' stomach tightened, it was as if he went back twelve years and he was staring at James Potter, as a schoolmate, once again. _He always used to do that._

James licked his lips as he measured a tablespoonful of powdered hound claw. "Oh, damn," he muttered as an extra pinch somehow dropped into the cauldron.

_Severus sighed and put in a pinch of powdered midnight beetle to negate the acid. "For all the lip-licking you're doing, James, your fingers are still clumsy. You should change your choice of unconscious habit."_

_"I thought you said you liked it last night," James whispered to Severus naughtily, making sure nobody else heard him._

_Severus turned his eyes to a smirking James, obviously thinking of something primal. "Ugh, James. Save that for later."_

_"Yeah right, and a Slytherin tells a Gryffindor to behave, and a Marauder at that," James pinched Severus' thigh discreetly._

_"This certain Slytherin behaves accordingly in school, but not at night," Severus shot back in a whisper, then grinned back. "I'll get back at you, James."_

"Ohoh, I'll expect that."

Severus gritted his teeth, but found that he cannot turn away from staring at Harry. _Shit, James. Nobody fucked my life up more than you did._

Then abruptly, Harry looked at him, possibly going to inquire about further instructions. He caught Severus looking at him.

James' face staring at him with a stone-cold front. 

"Yes, Severus. I don't want to lie, but I do…" 

Feeling hot tears springing out of his eyes, Severus hastily turned away and strode off towards his office, his face hidden from Harry Potter.

_Or should I say Harry…_

"Oh no you don't," Harry snarled as he saw Snape make off to his private office. "I've had enough of your cold treatment. What happened with your usual insults, _Snape_?"

Snape stopped in his tracks, but did not face him.

Feeling his chest tightened, Harry threw a cauldron at Snape, missing a few inches. That made him whirl around and face him. Somehow Harry was fazed when he saw a pair of moist streaks running across the Potions master's cheeks, but that did not stop him from delivering his well-prepared tirade. "Well what are you crying for, Snape? I never thought you were even the type," Harry sneered. Snape had made his life a living hell, and now had made his parentage a crying shame. He was not going to back down now. The fact that Remus Lupin already knew (and was taken in the hard way) and maybe even Dumbledore, made the matter irreversible.

As Dumbledore had said in his first year, if a thing's a secret, naturally the whole school would know about it.

Snape said nothing.

"You know what Snape? It should be me who's crying," Harry murmured, eyes staring down at his hated professor. "Because I'm a bloody **bastard** who isn't even a love child, but some shit who came out because of some sort of twisted revenge! Do you know how much it hurts me? _Do you_?!" he screeched, throwing another just-cleaned cauldron to let out a torrent of fury, but did not aim it at Snape. He just wanted to throw something, anything…

Snape seethed an anger as well, tears forgotten, and walking towards him reached put and grabbed a handful of his black uniform. "So was I! I was treated like trash ever since the day I was born! Do you even know what my life was like? DO YOU?! Do you know how each day my mother threw me out into the streets to be laughed at just because I messed up at preparing something for my sickly father, when I was still fifteen? _ANSWER ME_!"

Harry, vision blurred with tears, swiped away Snape's hand off his shirt, his chest heaving with many year's worth of hurt further added with the present dilemma. "AND DOES THAT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE SHIT OUT OF MY LIFE?"

With a strangled cry Severus lashed out at Harry, though not to hit him but push him violently aside as he banged his fist on the table. Obviously he intended to hit Harry, but decided against it at the last minute. "Then what do you want Potter? What the hell do you want from me?!  You want me to crawl on the floor and lick your boots? YOU WANT ME TO GROVEL BEFORE YOU?

And at that Harry, who could not hold anymore, sobbed. _He does not know, He does not know_…

"You DON'T UNDERSTAND! I don't want anything from you! I'm just fucked up because nobody wants me to belong to ANYBODY!"

Silence. 

Harry stood, a heaving, panting figure steeped in emotional hurt, with Severus opposite him, restraining his own sentiments out of guilt.

"You have friends, Potter. Do you want the whole world like your father did?" Severus finally said, pinching the bridge of his nose, breathing deeply. _Slowly_.

Too late he realized his mistake.

"Which father? James? You? I don't know who to call 'father' anymore!" Harry snapped, eyes flashing with white-hot anger.

Severus ran a hand through his hair impatiently. "Is it that important to you, Potter? You already have a godfather, that _blasted_ Sirius Black. He should be more than enough!"

To his surprise, Harry thrashed a blind fist at him and shook him, tears running across his own cheeks. "DAMN YOU! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" he howled, not unlike a madman.

Then Severus felt it.

His head spinning, Severus felt the blood drain from his face and he lost his balance, Harry still assaulting him. _Oh shit, now the damned boy's attacking me…_

Blindly rummaging for his wand, Severus threw a stunning spell at Harry, a full body-bind, but not before he fell down and gradually lost consciousness.

_How come Potter's wand is on the table?_ was his last thought before everything turned black.

**A/N:** My sad, sad story is that HP stuff is limited here, and imported HP stuff barely reaches our shores. I read in an HP fic somewhere here in FF net that someone bought two pairs of HP socks, one Gryffindor and another, Slytherin. Imagine my despair and envy. I WANT A SLYTHERIN T-SHIRT! I WANT EVERYTHING WITH THE SLYTHERIN CREST ON IT! WAAAAHHHH!!!!

Oh well. And some responses to my beloved reviewers….

Voldie For Prez: Yeah, I've got some grammar mistakes mostly because I breeze through my works and I've got no beta-reader (not to mention I'm too lazy to go back and re-read XD). As for Evaluation: I got hit by a big chunk of writer's block that fell down from the sky O.O, but it's my full intent that I finish it. It's summer vacation for me already, after all. More time to think! ^_^

Prophetess of Hearts: Yup, gonna get rid of the glamour. The first attempt by Harry won't involve magic though. You have to guess… ^-~

The Black Unicorn: NO!!! NO HOOK NOSE FOR HARRY! LOL! O_O;; I'm supposing that Snape got _that_ from Sirius' uppercut.

Tidmag the Hufflepuff and Gen Raid the Deatheater: Er…I gotta admit you lost me in your Ch. 3 review, guys…but no matter…

To others, reviews and constructive criticisms welcome! (my trouble with tenses could last long, though…as long as I lack a beta) 

….Which brings to mind…any offer to be my beta is SURELY WELCOME!!!


	6. In Which Sirius and his Emotions Fly or ...

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. But this story is mine, and if you want to link to this, e-mail moi first.

**Rating:** Still PG-13, and mild to moderate Sirius bashing. Sirius fans, I apologize. I like Padfoot too, but he's a cruel tyrant to ever harm Sev in their younger years.

**Pairing:** Nothing. I was thinking of Severus/Remus, but it doesn't fit at all…I think.

The Diary 

By: Astral Fou-lu

**Part Six: _In Which Sirius and his Emotions Fly _or_ It's Raining Dogs_**

Darkness…then light. Soft, and serene.

Quiet.

_I don't want this to end. Don't let me come back. I've done enough. I can't repay my debts anymore._

_Debts. Do I even owe Voldemort anything? No._

_Do I owe Dumbledore anything? I can only pay him in full once I'm dead._

_I have no reason to live. I have no reason to wake up._

Then he woke up.

Sitting up a little, he absorbed the surroundings: Almost everything in the room was white, down to his hospital gown.

He winced. Hospital gowns were short-sleeved. 

He lifted his bare left arm. The Dark Mark was there. Faint, but still there.

His head still buzzed and still disoriented. _What happened?_

Harry hitting him. Harry, who grabbed at him by the arms and shaking him. Then darkness.

_But his wand was on the table when it happened._ Severus shook his head.

_Wandless magic._

_The boy is powerful. If only I could throw him to Voldemort in that state…we could win_.

Quickly looking around to see Poppy Pomfrey was around, he found nobody, except for Remus Lupin , who was snoring on a chair at his right side.

He was starting to get up when a disapproving voice said, "Oh no you don't! Not in that state, Severus." Poppy Pomfrey. She approached him, a mug of hot chocolate in her hand.

"I assure you, in no way would I put any of your patients at peril. Even myself," Severus lifted his left arm. "See this? It's going to cost me my life if anyone were to see this."

"No doubt about it, dear," Poppy said, voice soft. She flinched slightly when he showed her the Mark, but quickly regained composure. She had seen the Mark on him ever since his seventh-year and she, somehow, understood his pain, in the small hours in the evening where she had heard him screaming and moaning in his dreams, pleading for someone not to hurt him.

Poppy found out that the dreaming Severus then wasn't pleading to Voldemort.

He was pleading to his father.

"What are you staring at?" Severus asked, his acidic tone snapping Poppy out of it.

"O-oh. Nothing, Severus. Here," Poppy put down the steaming mug at the bedside drawer beside Severus. "Drink up." 

Severus started to protest, but Poppy wouldn't hear of it. "No, Severus! I don't think anyone is too…dignified for hot chocolate," she smirked. "Not even you. You were young once too, if you know what I mean," Poppy added, her voice gentle.

"Ah," was all Severus could say in return. He understood. 

"It would be best if you leave me now, Poppy," he said, lying down with his back to her. "I need time to think."

"You already lived most of your life thinking ," Poppy said, voice tinged with concern. Then, after she noticed that the Potions master had no inclination to drink the chocolate, she added, "you worry me, child."

"I am nobody's child, Poppy," Severus said, voice thinning. "Not even my mother's. You know that, don't you?" He turned, and saw Poppy's anxiety and concern in her face. "You knew ever since you took care of me."

"I remember, child," Poppy assured him, reaching out a hand to touch his shoulder. "Whatever it is you're doing, Severus, take care."

And with that, she left him. 

Severus never felt emptier than he had in years.

_"You DON'T UNDERSTAND! I don't want anything from you! I'm just fucked up because nobody wants me to belong to ANYBODY!"_

Severus closed his eyes as he remembered Potter's words. _Just what I would have said,_ he thought as he cast a sideways glance towards Harry Potter.

_I never belonged to anybody. Not even to Dumbledore. I wasn't Dumbledore's Severus. I'm Dumbledore's stray. The Death Eater. The turncoat._

And Harry? He was the wizarding world's Boy Who Lived.

The Boy Who Lived.

_The_ _boy who lived because I wanted to have revenge against James for breaking his promise against me._

_ Well, he never had a choice._

_James._ Harry Potter, still sleeping, stirred a little, his soft murmurs of dream-speak breaking the silence a little, along with Lupin's gentle snoring. 

Harry had never looked more than James, now devoid of his apprehensive and/or antagonistic expression that he always had around Severus, as he was now sleeping.

And with his eyes closed, Severus never had to see what the boy had inherited from Lily. 

For the moment, the boy sleeping a bed across him was James' memory.

_James…_

_Damn you to hell James,_ Severus cursed silently. _You promised not to hurt me. Now look what you did._

_I'm the most fucked-up person there ever was now._

_So is my son. Like father, like son. Hah._

_"DOES THAT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE SHIT OUT OF MY LIFE?"_

The same words, only slightly changed, but the same sentiments. Severus closed his eyes, trying to shut out the memories. 

But he cannot.

"Does that give you the right to fuck up my life?" Severus asked his father, his cheek throbbing after he slapped him. 

His father slapped him again, this time drawing blood. "Do you have no manners? Or did I not teach you, no, punish you enough? Answer me!" And this time, she took her whip and lashed out at his son. "Well?"

Severus screamed, but he dared not beg for mercy.

He won't

He is above him.

He is above the pain.

And he will transcend.

Months later he found his father murdered, body mangled, a victim of the rising Lord Voldemort.

He never was his child. He never owned him.

"You DON'T UNDERSTAND! I don't want anything from you! I'm just fucked up because nobody wants me to belong to ANYBODY!" Potter had said last night.

I understand, boy. I understand very well. I lived it, thank you, Severus thought bitterly. He never knew until later that hot moisture had trickled down his pillow.

Why am I crying?

~*~

Harry awoke to the sounds of faint weeping, and snoring. He looked at his left. There was Lupin, sleeping soundly in his chair. Professor Lupin, Harry acknowledged silently, feelings lifting slightly at the sight of his former teacher. You'll always be my professor.

Then the sounds of soft crying aroused his attention. Harry looked at the bed behind Lupin, where a tall figure lay with his back to him, trembling slightly.

Snape. Crying. Like what he did last night.

Then it hit him. What happened last night? What he remembered was that he was hitting him, then Snape suddenly fell down…but not before he was cast under full body-bind.

Suddenly, pain shot up from behind his back. Wincing, he tentatively touched the top of his head and felt bandage around his forehead. Must have fallen while I was petrified. And what happened with Snape?

He was still crying.

Harry's hands clenched. Yeah, right. Did I hurt him that much? He thought angrily, angry because the reason who turned his life upside down was wallowing in his own hurt. As if his hurts justifies mine.

"Can you stop crying?" Harry muttered. No answer came.

"I said," Harry said, voice harder this time, but not loud so that Lupin would not wake. "can you just stop your bloody crying?" Harry's voice was quiet and bitter.

Slight sniffles from the older man and a slight cough. Then he spoke. "What, feeling concern for me all of a sudden?"

Harry laughed bitterly. "You don't HAVE the right to cry! You were the one who gave me LOTS of reason to cry. I'm miserable the day I was born, Snape. And you don't even admit it." He threw a sideways glance to see if Lupin stirred or for any other sings of waking up. None.

"Then so be it!" Severus hissed, never even bothering to turn around and face the boy. He wasn't ready to show his inner hurt. Nobody has the right to.

"That's not enough!" Harry said tersely. "Why can't you even own up to what did me?! Don't you even know how to..."

Then he himself broke down.

"Know how to say bloody sorry? Did James say sorry for what he did to me? Did my father say sorry for throwing me out to live in the streets every summer, because he could not stand to look at me?" Severus snapped. "You think yourself worse than I am, boy? **NO**. You bloody well aren't."

Harry said nothing, 'occupied' with his own hurts.

"What father in his right mind would give 'Severus' as his child's name?" Severus continued, tone sarcastic and hurtful. "Do you even know what that means?"

Harry snorted despite himself. "So we're both rejects. That's nice. Makes our life better. Bloody better."

"Look at me, Snape," Harry demanded, suddenly.   
Snape hesitantly did so. As his eyes met Harry's, only then did he see that Snape was in no better shape than himself.

But Harry did not pay heed. "Now you have every right to step on me. I'm your poor miserable bastard," he said, tone sickly sweet.

Then Snape's face crumpled in visible agony. "STOP IT, POTTER!" he screamed.

Harry was startled. Remus Lupin snapped up and looked at his two wards.

~*~

Four paws had, again, soiled Filch's painstakingly swept floor, but the large dog did not pay any heed. His mind was rather set upon his godson, whose latest letter had alarmed him.

Dear Sirius, 

How are you? I hope you and Professor Lupin are fine while reading this. No, there's nothing wrong. I just wanted to drop you a letter, I miss you. Ron misses you too, in fact he was the one who gave me the idea of writing this letter.

Er, actually, Ron has a problem. He wants to ask you if you have any tips on how to attract girls? Don't tell him I told you, but the girl he has in mind is Hermione.

Well?

Love, Harry.

The letter obviously supposed to have ended there but there were some added lines, hastily scribbled,

I just saw Professor Lupin on my way to the Owlery here at Hogwarts. He was talking to Zinfandel Highwind…er no, Slytherin. Do you remember her? She's that seventh year girl who turned out to be the last Slytherin heir (not Voldemort). Anyway they were talking about me why I look like Dad. I don't understand. What can they be talking about? They mentioned things like glamour, and how it is one of the strongest Slytherin magic. But I don't understand! Please tell me what you know.

Response please ASAP!

The letter had troubled him enough to make him go to Hogwarts and check on Harry, and his suspicions were heightened when he was told by Dumbledore that both Harry and Snape were in the infirmary due after what happened in Harry's detention in Snape's dungeon. Dumbledore said it was because of some 'over-zealous discussion,' Sirius recalled, over-zealous discussion my ass.

He was nearing the hospital wing when he heard it.

"STOP IT, POTTER!"

Danger signals rang in his brain and Sirius made away with precautions and turned into back into his human form, sprinting towards the door to the hospital wing. Oh shit, what can be Snape doing to Harry this time…

He threw open the door and he saw Snape sitting up on the bed, poise completely gone, and Harry, in the same state Snape was in. 

Lupin was between them, each hand on Harry and Snape's chests, restraining them both.

"Lupin, what is the meaning of this?!" Sirius demanded, hissing. Then he saw Harry's bandaged head. Oh Merlin, he really did hit the boy…

Throwing sensibilities aside, he lunged at Snape and hit him in the gut. Snape hacked.

"Sirius! NO!" Lupin shouted, but he wasn't heard. 

All Sirius could think of was getting revenge of what Snape did to him, almost bringing him to the dementors—then now, for what he did to Harry…

"HOW DARE YOU HIT HARRY!" he bellowed, throwing his fists at the frail form of Snape beneath him. Lupin tried to get him off, even grabbed at Sirius' long hair, but he was having none of it. Lupin was easily thrown aside by Sirius' stronger physique.

And Harry only numbly watched as his hated professor, who not only made his life miserable but even stole his parentage to himself, was being maimed and bruised by his godfather.

"ARGH! GET OFF ME BLACK!" Snape flailed, eyes widening with terror.

He felt it happening again. The cuts. The bruises.

It hit him. One by one. Pain renewing after each pain. Every healed scar opening up again.

Physically.

And he thought he had forgotten all about it.

A fist hits his face and he felt his lip break. He could taste blood.

He can't stop it from happening.

He can't.

Remus Lupin found his strength again. Chest heaving, he stood and drew out his wand from his pocket and shouted the banishing spell, pointing his charm towards Black.

"SHIIT!" was Sirius' last cry as he was thrown off Snape, and out the window, where (un)fortunately a replica of the Whomping Willow waited for him three floors down.

He still had presence of mind enough to transform into a dog even as he flew out of the building, and down to the Whomping Willow. As soon as his body landed, painfully, near its wild, flailing branches he soon found himself flying again as one of it branches hit him, throwing him off into the air again, and this time he was aimed into the fringes of the Forbidden Forest.

"DAMN YOU LUPIN!" he screamed into the night, consequences be damned.

Remus heard Sirius' voice curse him from far away. Well, at least he's still alive and well enough to diss me, he thought ruefully. He dusted himself and walked over to Snape, and tried to help him up. "Severus, are you all right?"

"Unhand me Lupin!" Snape growled as he grabbed the other man's hand away. 

"You're trembling," Lupin said, noticing Snape shaking and, with his enhanced senses, erratic heartbeat. "Let me get Madame Pomfrey."

"NO!" Snape shouted, then pushed Lupin away and stood up, legs still unsteady. Lupin rushed to support him, but he pushed him aside again. "NO! I can support myself," Snape muttered.

Unstable, he walked out of the hospital wing, in white hospital gown and all.

Presumably back to his dungeons, thought Lupin, who finally decided to let him be.

Then he checked in on Harry. "Are you alright?"

Harry nodded, though he was trembling as well. Shocked.

"It's not Snape's fault that I had this wound…" was all he could say.

He landed on something soft, warm, and whimpering.

It was a girl.

Sirius stirred, and peered at the girl's face. It was the Slytherin girl Zinfandel. Horrified, he shot up (at the expense of his hurting back) and looked at her in disgust. "Get away from me you Slytherin whore! What were you doing out there? Coming from another Dark Revel, I suppose?" he sneered.

Zinfandel tossed her long brown hair aside and coolly leveled her gaze to Sirius'. "Oh. Now I'm a whore." She snorted. "Amendment. The Slytherin heir, and you're the Gryffindor lap dog." With that, she laughed. "Oh yeah, and I'm the latest member of your Order."

"What?!"

Zinfandel picked herself up and, with Sirius' reflexes conveniently disabled by physical pain and surprise from the recent events, she promptly transfigured him into a plush toy dog. "Let's talk to Dumbledore about this," Zinfandel said in a musical voice.

**A/N:** I'm sorry if I posted this late! That was because I had so much to do…and, oh well…some notes to some beloved reviewers…

**Katherine aka Star**: Having Harry talk to Lily…hmm…why not…

**Rowen Mayfair**: I was busy tending to some late academic matters…not to mention ot sapped all the strength outta my system…well, I'm back to full strength now! ^_^

**Arabwel**: As to where I got Zinfandel Highwind/Slytherin's name, Zinfandel is a type of grape (and wine), and there is a type of wine named 'White Zinfandel'. And for Highwind, yeah, I got that from FF VII. I liked Cid Highwind…^_^

And somethings…

I re-read Evaluation and I was going to intertwine it with this fic, The Diary, when I noticed some loopholes...   
  
1) Okay, Harry and Co. are in sixth-year in Evaluation, and Zinfandel is in seventh year, and it remains the same here in The Diary. But reading Evaluation, Zinfandel was still acting un-queenly and unsure of herself (she was supposed to harden up). The Diary's Zinfandel already acted dignified and even absorbed some of Severus' traits. A change that cannot be possible in the span of a few months...   
  
2) Professor Remus Lupin in Evaluation was teaching in Hogwarts, having been hired again, and as for The Diary he was acting as a spy for Dumbledore, but not as a professor.   
  
I guess I can't turn back now, can I? Oh well. I guess I can't tie the two fics together. But that's okay. I can do some changes…


	7. In Which The Diary Falls Into The Wrong ...

The Diary

By: Astral Fou-lu

**Part Seven: _In Which The Diary Falls Into The Wrong Hands or Oh, Shit_**

Zinfandel Slytherin sauntered over to the Headmaster's office, hugging the large toy dog plushie. Passing students, especially girls, remarked how cute the doll was, and where she had gotten it.

"Someone special gave it to me," Zinfandel told a Hufflepuff first year, who petted the toy dog and cooed over it.

"Really? Who?"

Zinfandel's smile reached her ears. "Sirius Black."

The Hufflepuff girl pouted. "Oh come on, it won't hurt if you told me who gave you this pretty thing."

Zinfandel smiled genially for the little girl who had taken a liking to her. "Well, Hazel, it's a bit personal for me to say." Then she patted the girl's back and said "It's almost time for your curfew…now get to your common rooms," Slytherin said, and looked at the other students nearby. "That goes the same for all of you too."

As she was nearing Dumbledore's office she couldn't help but think about what Sirius would do as she would transform him back into his normal self. _No doubt he would try to kill me,_ she thought sourly. _But not before Dumbledore talks some sense into him, hopefully. I wonder what happened…?_

"Skittles," she told the gargoyle. He promptly stepped aside and let her pass.

As she entered the office she was slightly surprised to see the Headmaster resting in his chair with his eyes closed. Zinfandel snapped into her full professional mode. "Sir, I hope this is not a wrong time…"

"Assuming that it _is_ Sirius that's you're hugging my dear, this time is the right time I suppose. Could you undo…?"

"Oh! Of course," Zinfandel put the toy on the chair and swiftly turned it back into Sirius. 

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?!"

"Now, now, Sirius, watch your language," Dumbledore said tiredly but with steel lacing his voice.

"Sorry Headmaster," Sirius muttered.

"I found him flying out of the fourth floor of the Infirmary, and into the Whomping Willow," Zinfandel reported. "And before that I heard a lot of commotion."

"And what was that all about Sirius?"

"I-I heard Snape quarrelling with Harry, and Remus was restraining them both. I'm positive that Snape was hurting Harry—"

"Nonsense. Snape would not go so far as to hurt a student," Zinfandel cut in, but quietly.

"Then how could you explain his injuries!" Sirius hissed. "There are no other reasons!" 

As Zinfandel coolly stared at Sirius, she noted that he looked as bad as he did when he was still on the run from the Dementors when he was completely incensed. While she understood that he was on a bad mood out of his protectiveness over Potter, she decided that his arrogance was very much uncalled-for. Not to mention his pure bias against her and her House. "Forty years of life, Sirius Black, and yet you still do not use your brain in thinking." She wanted to add where she presumed he did his thinking but she decided that it would be too rude of her to say something of the kind in front of the Headmaster.

"Why you—little whore…"

"SILENCE!"

Zinfandel and Sirius ceased bickering and had the decency to bow their heads, looking ashamed of the childish actions. 

"Both Severus and Harry are coming to terms with something that should have been dealt before earlier on," Dumbledore said tiredly. It worried Zinfandel so much that she decided to resign the matter. "You look unwell, Sir. I think we should leave you be…" she tentatively said, all the while signaling with her eyes to Sirius to follow her lead. Dumbledore _did_ look tired, and it worried Sirius enough to concede with Zinfandel. "I-I agree, sir…maybe another day?"

"Yes, yes. But, Sirius, I think that it would be best that you would have this discussion with Severus and Harry themselves." Dumbledore waved them away.

As they had closed the door behind them, Sirius forgot all animosity he had towards the Slytherin heir and asked her, "What the hell is happening?"

  


Remus once again sat at Harry's bedside. Harry had just finished crying his eyes out and slept again. Lupin sighed. He was beginning to agree with Severus that it was foolish of him to tell Harry, that showing him the Diary was—wait, where _was_ the Diary?

Mentally cursing, he called for Madame Pomfrey to take over his charge. As he went out of the Infirmary, he immediately recalled that Harry threw the book away at the Shrieking Shack. Yes.

As his speed-walking turned into a full run, he berated himself for mindlessly telling Harry of the truth so quickly. He remembered how Harry had looked when he stripped off the Invisibility Cloak that night…he looked like he was ready to kill somebody. Whether that somebody was Severus or Harry himself was a tad obscure.

When he finally found the Diary lying in the midst of dust bunnies that littered the floor of what once housed his own lose of control, Remus sighed to himself, and contemplated whether he should destroy the Diary or keep it for later.

_Funny how life turns out_.

He was about to exit the Shack when he was greeted by the scowl of Sirius Black.

"I demand what happened while I was gone, now."

"Why should I tell you?" Discreetly, Lupin hid the Diary in his robes, but Sirius caught it in his sight anyway.

"Because Harry is my godson, damnit! And what is that thing that you are hiding from me?" Sirius quickly lunged towards Remus, who futilely tried to shake off the animagus. "Let. Me. Get. That!" He quickly took possession of the Diary.

Remus resigned to the idea that somebody in the dungeons was going to get hurt. Badly. "Sirius—whatever you do, don't hurt anybody," he said resignedly, though Remus knew he might as well talk to the Whomping Willow. "it all works out in reasoning. It all does."

"Whatever are you talking about, Remus?" Sirius said irritably. "Could you just tell me what's happening instead of making me read this damn—oh." He started to leaf through the pages and it shut him up. "Lily's Diary…"

After a few minutes of reading, Sirius Black was crying out for blood.

  


Severus did not feel when Sirius threw him off his own bed. He did not even know.

Sirius' strength was enough to kill him.

"You're going to go to hell, Slytherin shit!" Sirius growled, raising his fist, about to strike Severus' unresponsive face.

"Oh no you bloody hell won't!" A green blast sent him reeling into the nearby shelves filled with jars of pickled somethings no one would ever bother contemplating about. Sirius slammed squarely across it, making one of the bigger jars from the upper shelves falling onto his head upside down, making him appear to be wearing a helmet. In which a pickled grindylow had been inhabiting.

"You better thank the gods that grindylow is already dead, Black," Zinfandel drawled, only to have her cool visage broken when she found her Dueling master's present state. "Oh…oh my god…" Without even pausing to think Zinfandel Summoned the blankets and folded them in order to serve he purpose of propping Severus' head with it. As she assessed his health she assumed that he was somewhat alright, only that there was one slight glitch:

"Shit, he was already unconscious before Black got here," she muttered, knowing that one person was not breathing deeply if we has only knocked out unconscious. Seeing that the only people down in the dungeons were the three of them, Zinfandel had no choice. "Black, since I bloody well know that you won't be trusted to call Madame Pomfrey for his well-being, I'll just have to do this," and with that, she transfigured him into a roll of toilet paper, whose only downfalling was its black coloring.

Now there was a roll of black toilet paper covered in an upside down jar with a pickled grindlylow inside.

"That's how I perceive you. Too bad if someone comes along while I am here and decides to use you to wipe off their ass."

She quickly went through the door, shouting for Madame Pomfrey as she went.

Harry looked up as he heard urgent footsteps come up the Infirmary. A loud bang of the opened door revealed Zinfandel huffing and puffing with sweat beads running down her face.

"Madame Pomfrey? Madame Pomfrey?"

"I would appreciate it, dear, if you could respect the other's need for peace here, especially when they are sick." Pomfrey frostily remarked, but she went on to ask "What is the matter?"

"P-Professor Severus, Ma'am," Zinfandel said between breaths, "I found him unconscious down in the dungeons." Then she looked pointedly at Harry. "Not to mention that Sirius was pummeling him when I got there."

Pomfrey's hands went to her mouth and gasped. "Oh no he didn't!"

"Yes, he did," Zinfandel said matter-of-factly, finally regaining her composure. "I need your help."

Pomfrey hurriedly grabbed things and set out to the dungeons. Zinfandel however grabbed the chance to talk with Harry privately. "Are those Gryffindor traits you and your godfather had been exhibiting, hmm?" she sniped. "You were right when you said you wanted to be in Gryffindor and not in Slytherin."

"G'way, Don't need you." He mumbled, hiding his face in his hands. Irritated, Zinfandel grabbed his hands and tore them away from his face, grabbing his chin for him to face her. "No, you listen to me, Potter. We've been working our asses off to save your ass—"

"Because I'm the bloody Boy Who Lived!"

Zinfandel snarled. "Yes, we admit that we are only using you, Potter. We use you because only you have the abilities that could obliterate Tom Riddle completely. Well, I've already taken back what was solely mine," she said, referring to being the Heir of Slytherin, "but not without any sacrifices. If you, Potter-boy, are going to turn selfish on the whole wizarding world, then we might as well die now. Remember that." With that, she threw Harry's face to the side and went out the Infirmary, closing the door with a loud _bang_.


	8. In Which Two Are Jealous or The Serpents...

The Diary

By Astral Fou-lu

Disclaimer: As usual

Author notes:

Pale Rider: Thank you very much for your constructive review. Re-reading the last chapters, I saw your point. However, the reason why Zinfandel looks as if she doesn't do anything in the story is that her significance hasn't happened yet, the other chapters only showed some of her background. Now I've decided to quicken the pace up a bit and how the pivotal premise in the story, in which she has a part in this chapter. But it's not too much yet, the story has to come a long way first and a very weird twist will happen. And lastly, Zinfandel isn't _that_ strong, in fact she is just as powerful as Harry is, only older. About Sirius, I haven't really stated it in the story but his extreme misgivings toward Snape was caused due to him feeling as if he had been robbed of everything by the greasy git. Anyway, thanks for your review. It had affected this chapter, (and the later parts) in ways more than you could imagine.

Gwedolyn-flight: Yes, let's see how strong Harry would be under _more_ emotional baggage.

Kanslady: Thanks to you, I decided to pick this fic up. I was going to forget all about this…

Hearing from Madame Pomfrey that Severus had entered once again the unconscious state ("How dare you let him leave the Infirmary!" she fumed), Remus Lupin cursed himself once again for fucking up. Reaching the Infirmary fourth floor, Remus slammed the door open in trying to make himself forget even for one second that somehow, somehow things had mucked up because he tried to right the wrong doings which were happening to Harry. He only wanted to give Harry the knowledge that his true father was alive, that Severus still had responsibility towards his blood-son, and that all things should all be well.

Evidently, they weren't.

Seeing Severus slumped lifelessly once more in his bed, Remus walked over and checked his heartbeat, touching the backside of his hand on the Potions master's chest. While the beat was stable, it was undoubtedly weak. Remus turned to Harry, who was lying down with the blanket covering him head to toe.

"Harry, I know you're awake," Remus said.

The lump on Harry's bed slightly stirred. "G'way."

Remus heard a little sniffling. He sighed. "Look, Harry. I know that this…this thing is hard for you, but you have to face it. We all have to." He neared Harry's bed and gently pulled off the blanket from Harry, revealing a shaken teenager curled up in a fetal position. 

"Why does he hate me?" Harry whispered.

Remus was dumbstruck with Harry's words. "What?" _Somehow, this kid just needs to feel appreciated. And not Ministry-of-Magic-appreciated_.

"He hates me. Snape." Harry said. "I fucking hate him too, the bastard." Bristling, he tried to sit up but he cringed, headache sweeping over him.

"Arrgh…"

"Harry?"

"Uhn…the scar…oh shit…"

Alarmed, Remus started to call for Poppy, but the sound coming from other bed startled him. 

"NOOOO!" Severus' figure convulsed violently, his hand clutching the Dark Mark. Panicking, Remus Lupin hurried over to Severus' side and frantically whispered a Relaxing charm. It didn't help. "N-nnh…that's no g-good …" Severus managed to whisper, his face a violent rendition of his pain. "T-take me to the Forbidden Forest, Lupin…" His breathing shallowed, and his nails tore at his skin, blood and sweat trickling down to the blankets.

Harry, watching the whole spectacle, paled. _So this is what happens when Voldemort summons him._ Watching Snape made him remember every painful blow he had received, and felt in its fullest essence.

Watching Remus half-carrying, half dragging Snape while the latter raved triggered a sense of trauma within Harry.

Whenever Vernon hit him.

Whenever Dudley made fun of him in front of his friends.

Whenever he remembered how his parents were killed…

He cried.

"Stop it, please," Harry sniffed, hands clutching his face, trying to block out the memories triggered by the other man's suffering. "Snape, wait…" he called tentatively, but he had already went out the door along with the lupine professor.

Face crumpling, Harry choked and let out a fresh torrent of tears. This time, there was no one to hear him.

_They hate me._

_I hate everyone_.

Waiting for Professor Snape to return was an arduous task more than anyone would ever know. It was a virtual roller-coaster ride; every sound that arises in the midst of the deadness of the night makes one sit upright abruptly and turn to the door, anxious whether the awaited black-garbed figure would come through the threshold, only to be sorely disappointed that it would only be someone's familiar, prowling about the Common Room while its master or mistress was asleep. Then, learning that there was a chance that he may never return, not alive and breathing at least, made the anxious watcher's eyes dim and create her own personal dementor.

For this particular watcher, she had already been turned into a dementor.

Zinfandel looked up at the guest of the lupine Slytherin Common Room. "Well, could you explain to me for a thousandth time _why the hell you let him get away without even notifying the Headmaster first_?" she railed, voice shrilly but about to break due to her nonstop tirade since the last two hours. "If he turns up in a little tin box, I'll feed you to a basilisk!"

Remus rubbed his temples and sunk himself lower into a plush seat, trying vainly to hide from the girl. "It was _urgent_, girl, urgent," he moaned. "What do you want to happen? Let Voldemort be affirmed that his Potions specialist was the turncoat all along? Dumbledore was away," he breathed in deeply. "He shouldn't have."

"Oh, NOW it's Dumbledore's fault!" she hissed and banged her clenched fist onto the desk. 

"Will you just bloody stop it?! You're getting to be very irritating!" Remus snarled, a thing that he usually did only in his bestial form. "If you knew better what to do, you should have just come with him and blast Voldemort away, Just. Like. THAT!" Remus shouted, his open palm slamming the desk's surface in the last word. "Since you always claim that you're the bloody Heir of Slytherin! Turn him into a toad! Turn him into turd!"

"You know that I can't do that!"

"Well, just bloody shut up!"

They both did.

"You know," Zinfandel said weakly after a minute of mutual silence, "I was going to like you, but now I decide that I really don't."

"I thought you liked Severus."

The girl's eyes sought Remus' and their gazes held, for a moment. It was never vocalize nor even in any way concretized, but Remus' last few words sunk into her head like Ogden's Firewhisky and sent her careening into despair.

"I was _that_ obvious, wasn't I?" she said, her voice a mixture of melancholy and embarrassment.

"Yes," Remus answered, equally morose.

It was lucky that both had cast powerful Silencing spells in the Common Room, lest the Slytherins have another batch of fodder for Rita Skeeter.

It was already the break of dawn when Severus' sodden robes dripped all over the Common Room, but not before he cast an Unnoticeable Charm over his person. Zinfandel was there, curled up and snoring lightly. Thinking that she would never see him through the Charm, he walked past her but then he heard a rasp female voice ask "Professor? S'that you?"

Suddenly remembering that she could very well see through many Concealment Charms, Severus only affirmed her question with a weak "Yes."

Red eyes looked up at his sorry state. "I'm glad you're okay," Zinfandel said. "We were worried."

Severus appeared confused by the use of the collective pronoun. "We?"

"Lupin."

"Ah," Was all Severus could say for the moment. "Probably was worried that his supplier of the Wolfsbane Potion would be lost to him." Saying that, he started to walk into his office via the hall connecting the Slytherin Common Room and his quarters. But after a short moment, he turned towards Zinfandel again.

"How is Potter?"

She was taken aback by the question. "Oh, uhm…ask Lupin for that information. I admit that I don't really care for the brat."

She thought her answer infuriated Snape since his eyes flashed, but after a second regained its weak impassiveness. "Be careful where you tread," he whispered. "Since he _is_ my son."

Zinfandel paled. "Oh."

"Be sure to look out for him," Snape went on gravely. "The reason why Voldemort gave out Cruciatus through the Dark Mark so strong that I passed out that night was that he wanted to take out Potter as soon as possible, since he's growing strong in the same rate as Voldemort himself is regaining his power, since the two are probably connected when it comes to that. He can tell."

The girl said nothing. 

_Then why not let the bloody kid go and kill off Tom Riddle?_

"I want him to be safe as possible," he said. "I'll do everything to keep his arse safe so that the whole Wizarding World would be as well."

"Even getting yourself killed?" Zinfandel pushed bluntly.

"Yes," was the swift reply.

_But, you could kill off Voldemort now, since the kid's so strong._ Zinfandel wanted to say. _Of course, at this early stage, Harry's going to die in the process._

_I don't care though. Fine with me._

Sirius met up with his cherished godson in the Hogwarts grounds as a dog. Tongue lolling in happiness, Snuffles the adorable stray bounded up to Harry, and as he made contact he jumped at him and slobbered all over his shocked Harry. 

"Yucch, Snuffles! Get offa me!" Harry exclaimed, but laughing at the same time. "What's wrong with you?"

Ron and Hermione, who watched the sappy exchange in amusement, decided with one look to greet Sirius and leave the two to their own devices, since they had clamored for each other's company for too long. "Hiya Snuffles," Ron said, eyes twinkling in happiness and ruffled the hair on the dog's head. "How you doing?"

The dog barked back in happiness. Hermione reached into her robes and produced a quite large packet of food for Sirius. "Here you go Snuffles," she smiled, bringing the packet of food close enough for Sirius to clamp his jaws on the top of the packet to carry it. "I hope that's enough for you."

Left by the two, Harry along with Snuffles went behind the bushes in the pretext of playing hide-and-seek with the dog, and once in out of sight Harry fished out of his pockets the Invisibility cloak. Covering him and the dog, the two rushed into a relatively safe part of the Forbidden Forest, wherein Sirius turned into his human self.

Giving Harry the long-delayed hug (hindered by so many factors, his being a fugitive for instance) he smiled and sighed in relief. "Thank all the gods that you're safe, Harry," gently he let go and playfully pinched Harry's cheek. My, my, we're filling out already, aren't we? 

"Cut that out, Sirius!" Harry laughed and swatted Sirius' offending hand away. He too was very glad that he was able to see Sirius again, the only one that he could consider a relative, even if they were not related by blood. Seeing Sirius was a very big reprieve from the most distressing turn of events for Harry, since besides Ron, Hermione and his very few other magical friends, Sirius Black was the only one he could fully trust, and what helped was Sirius' pledge to James and Lily to protect Harry at all costs.

"How are you uncle? I mean…having to go around so often and…" Harry looked up at his uncle hesitatingly. He knew that he, Harry Potter, was mainly the cause of why Sirius had to run away in hiding. 

"Nah, I'm okay," Sirius answered, but then sobered quickly afterwards. "I'm sure I'm doing relatively better than you, Harry. I wish it were different."

Unbidden thoughts of the latest revelations ran quickly to the boy's mind and slightly soured his disposition, but Harry was also saddened, at the most. "Is there anything even worse than encountering Dementors, Sirius?" Harry asked absently, moving away from the man and settling himself down beside a blueberry bush, picking at a berry until it bled and its dark blue juice tricking down his thumb and forefinger. "If there is…I think I know what it could be."

"What could be worse than having a Dementor at your heels…what is…well…" Sirius tried to stall, but he knew that he should be truthful to his charge. "I reckon its finding out that a part of your life is actually false."

Harry laughed bitterly. "You got that right. But you know what, Sirius? I've been thinking."

Sirius sat beside Harry and put an arm around him, plucking a blueberry and popped one into his mouth. "About what?"

"It could have been better if Snape had, say, liked me. You know? Kinda like Remus and you did. I could have swallowed that medicine better. I could have had a Dad right now, wouldn't you say?"

Abruptly Sirius found himself tightening his arm around Harry rather uncomfortably. _No. He couldn't say…say…_

"Uh, Sirius, you're hurting me…" Harry said weakly.

Sirius looked into Harry's eyes as if the boy had said he had a sex change. Clearing his throat Sirius slowly removed his arm around Harry. "Ah, ehem. You're not serious, are you, Harry?"

Raising an eyebrow, Harry said in momentary jest, "No, of course I'm not you."

"I'm not joking, Harry."

Harry looked away, looking slightly sad. "What I was saying, Sirius, is that things could have been better if Snape was kinder…you know? Dad material. He's much nearer to Uncle Vernon by comparison. Not as stupid as that fat pig though," Harry spat the last sentence.

Panicking but not showing it, Sirius felt for words but could not find suitable ones. "Look, Harry, you can forget Snape, okay? I'm here. Your Dad appointed me as your godfather."

"Snape is my father, Sirius."

"Well yeah, but…" _Damn it! I've lost so many things in my early life to Snape. James, Lily, and now Harry?_

"What?" Harry asked, a little impishly. "I know you hate Snape, Sirius, but what's happening…"

"…should might as well be forgotten," Sirius cut in a tad too strongly. "Look, it wouldn't have had happened if only Remus hadn't found that Diary, okay? And Snape would want your guts to be in his Potions rather than acknowledge you as his son. Listen to me, Harry. I know Snape better than you do."

After a moment's pause, Harry relented. "Yeah, Sirius. You're probably right. Snape's a slimy git."

_And I wouldn't let that slimy git lay his hands on you, Harry,_ Sirius thought fervently. _Father or no father._

_I thought you liked Severus_.

Zinfandel swooped down the stairs, and when she let her impatience get the better of her, she straddled the banister and jumped off to another flight of stairs, to do the same again. _I thought you liked Severus._ Remus Lupin's words ground into her mind as painful as if her face was pushed down onto a roughened asphalt road and swiped down along the way akin to an eraser on a paper. _Damn I liked the man,_ she thought with a grimace. _And here I am, I could defeat Voldemort if they could only give me **more** time_. _No, they just had to wait for Harry Bloody Potter, who's going to mature in a myriad of years the way he's acting._

The short talk she had with Snape after he had arrived from a near-lethal Death Eaters meeting made her decide on one thing: Harry Potter is certainly harmful…no, lethal to one's health. Snape is certainly willing to risk his life for a kid who just, _just_ survived an Avada Kedavra blast when she could practice more in order to _deflect_ it. And that thought soured her very, very much.

Putting her Slytherin qualities into full use, she decided on one thing: Send Harry Potter into an early mission. She could do that. That way, not only the whole issue would be over soon, _whether or not Harry is successful_, since it would prove how much he is really worth against Voldemort. 

_And that's the sole thing the Wizarding World wants to know,_ Zinfandel told herself as she descended the last flight of stairs towards the secret passage to the outside grounds. _Whether a mere boy would measure up to Voldemort. Well, I'll make them find out soon enough._

But first, she had to lay down her foundation. _Two birds in one stone, really,_ she convinced herself, crawling through a narrow tunnel that led outside. _I get to have Severus' attentions, AND I'm going to prove to the world that I'm the one. In the sullied name of Slytherin._

Reaching the end of the tunnel, she crawled up to the outside and shook dust of her robes. Preening herself as she walked, she straightened her countenance to start laying her ground.

Trotting in his appointed patrolling hour around the Hogwarts grounds, Sirius as Snuffles smelled a strong female presence but just before he could act two strong arms pinned him down. "Don't make a noise," Zinfandel whispered. "I have a proposition to make."

Whimpering, Sirius tentatively looked at the cloaked figured and growled softly. "Shh," Zinfandel hushed the dog. "Let's go to a place where no one could see you transform."

With Sirius leading the way, the two surreptitiously went to where Harry and Sirius had their talk earlier. Since it was already almost midnight, the place was almost dark enough for the two to carry out a torrid exchange but for this certain moment, the two had something else in mind.

Turning back into his imposing human self, Sirius steeled himself for whatever the Slytherin woman wanted from him. "What is it that you want, woman?"

"I'm going to be frank about this," Zinfandel crossed her arms and leveled her sharp gaze towads Sirius'. "I know for a fact that you strongly object to Snape being Harry's father."

"Yes, and what?" Sirius groused. "I don't see where this is coming to."

"I want your cooperation to keep them apart."

Sirius laughed derisively. "Look, woman, I would do that if I know how to. Merlin knows I don't want them bonding with Snape sneering at me as if he's stolen Harry away from me," Sirius shook his head, "which is probably going to happen. You don't have to rub it in."

"Well, I don't relish the idea Harry simpering up to Severus either," Zinfandel said gravely. "It's a waste of time."

"Since you seem to know what you want to do, you tell me how I could do it," Sirius said, tone challenging. "That doesn't make me appear as if I'm against whatever Harry's wishes."

Zinfandel smiled a tad cruelly. "You're talking to a Slytherin."

"So, have any ideas?"

Before responding, she reached out a hand towards Sirius. "Before I say anything, I would like to seal this arrangement with a handshake. You get Harry, and I get Severus. A nice proposition, is it not?"

After a moment of intensive decision-processing, Sirius tentatively reached to grasp her hand. "It is."

"Then it's business."


End file.
